TURKEY FOOTBALL FAN
There is a very popular sport in world. Furthermore, popular sport may be different in each country. Well, what is the most popular sport in Turkey? Okey, well the most popular fan group?
For a long time, playd football in Turkey. Morever, football is very popular in Turkey. So, we have powerfull football team and of course, powerfull football fans.
İn the first group of Besiktaş fans. ÇARŞI... They are showing up the best fan group. They don't leave teams are never alone. On the other hand, while such a Beşiktaş fans, Beşiktaş didn't win the European Cup. İn addition to Beşiktaş are not successful in the Turkey League.
Another fan group ULTRASLAN...One of the most popular groups of fan in Turkey. UEFA CUP-winning team in 2000 fans. Fans will never leave alone team. For bette or worse day. Always full of stadıum.
İn sum, Turkey is loving football. Morever, people seem to love football for a long time.
It's great to see you have written an essay here. it's time to comment on your essay:)
YanıtlaSilFirstly, your hook (the first sentence) could be in different form such as "sport is very popular all around the world". It's nice to see you have written your introduction paragraph from general to spesific. Your idea of introduction is really good, I showed how it seems just below:
sport is very popular all around the world
different popular sport in each country
the most popular sport in Turkey
Football in Turkey
Football fans
Three groups of fans
But you don't need to use furthermore just in the second sentence. and also you use "okey", but try to be more formal in the essay. you have seperated the introduction paragraph, but don't seperate it. you dont't have a clear thesis statement. you can say "there are 3 popular football fan groups in turkey." and you should have 3 body paragraphs.
ın your body paragraphs, it's great that you have written topic sentence for each body paragraphs. hovewer, especially in Besiktas group, you talked about besiktas mostly, not besıktas fans. you should tell more about their fans. maybe their age groups, gender, their behaviours in the stadium and outside, their feelings during the matches, their contributions to their team (maybe to the budget) and etc. what I say for besiktas is the same for galatasaray. try to give more details about them.
In your conclusion paragraph, you can tell more. It's a bit short. you can write a short summary using the topic sentences you have written. for example, you can say "In summary, footbal is the most popular sport in Turkey and 3 groups of footbal fans are outstanding among all the supporters of different teams which are Besiktas, Galatasaray and X."
shortly, your essay is good but you should improve some parts of it. thanks for your effort:)
thank you teacher...but this is the first writing.I think I have to write one more 2-3..I will try to improve myself refreshed :)
YanıtlaSilCongratulations Sercan :D I think you wrote firstly :)I would like to first writer, but you didn't miss the opportunity.
YanıtlaSilYelda teacher, it's big surprise for me :
yelda yelmer Mar 11, 2012 04:35 AM
When I first saw this, I say "What is this?" :D Yelda teacher at the computer as well as4.35 am and it's a long evaluation =D
You are AWESOME, because you didn't sleep night and you read Sercan's Essay and you evaluate this essay :D
Please wait for my essays, I'm curiosing your thoughts.
Sercan don't stop my bro, you will improve your writing skill :D
Hmm Nice topic!! sercan :) I agree with yelda teacher.
YanıtlaSilI believe that soon you will write a better essay. My favorite team galatasaray XD therefore I am very happy.
Definitely right sercan , ULTRASLAN will never leave alone team !!
I'm looking forward to your essay...